After proving she had little to contribute to the film or starfucking industries, Jessica Simpson finally realized she should keep her pretty-but-pretty-dumb mouth shut for the time being and instead let her t-shirts do the talking, angering PETA in the process. Though the feisty baby seal saviors have their fair share of enemies, they’ve also impressively managed to get celebrity spokespeople like Alec Baldwin and Eva Mendes to embarrass themselves in public by demanding the public do drugs (Baldwin) or taking off their clothes in the name of fur (Mendes). So naturally, Simpson’s public cry for attention irked PETA’s most compassionate celebrity nudist, Pamela Anderson, who called her fellow talent-challenged blonde “a bitch and whore” on a radio show. But this is far from the first time Jessica has ruffled another starlet’s feathers just by being Jessica. We took a look back at the many ways Simpson has made herself a household name not by selling records or movie tickets, but by starring in her own personal Catfights franchise.

As none other than Defamer first reported back in April of 2006, the newly single Simpson handled her pouty grief by shoving her cleavage in scented cinema revolutionary Brett Ratner’s smelly face, to the dismay of rumored Ratner tossaway Lindsay Lohan. After a Simpson hanger-on called Lohan a “bitch,” the then-closeted lesbian allegedly lunged towards their table, held back by the heroic hack himself. A year later, entrenched in John Mayer’s predatory grip, Jessica was said to have declared war against her own sister Ashlee after Mayer got the two mixed up in old photos. The rivalry ended with Jessica stating to the press that she was “no longer the girl with potential,” but a “blessed butterfly” instead. Triumph! And later that year, the NY Post claimed the amnesia-ridden Jessica became furious after hearing engaged Eva Longoria had dared to be “friendly and polite” to then-ex Mayer, and went on a name-calling rant through New York.

Our favorite tale, however, occurred right on the heels of her anti-PETA message tee bomb drop. Some gossips say the shirt had nothing to do with fuzzy wuzzies or pro-fur campaigns, but was meant as a message to Jesus fan and Tony Romo ex, Carrie Underwood. Underwood won the group’s infamous Leno-monologue-staple Sexiest Vegetarian title back in 2005, and Simpson has supposedly been jealous of her whipped boyfriend’s ex since day one of their ridiculous union. So in the end, Anderson should probably put the venom away and align with Simpson — they’re both failed actresses whose only chance of maintaining “celebrity” is shoving their ample cleavage in the faces of hacks who’ll give them their precious screen time.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• PAMELA ANDERSON CALLS JESSICA SIMPSON A BITCH AND A WHORE [The Sun]

We’re still flipping through “The New Classics” issue of Entertainment Weekly that hit newsstands about two weeks ago. And while we feel that, on the whole, the staffers over there put together a pretty thorough examination of the last 25 years of pop culture, we do have a few qualms with their list. Chief among them is the inclusion of Casino Royale, the 2006 rebooting of the Bond franchise, which came in at #19 in their list of Top 100 movies. While it was certainly a serviceable action thriller, we’ve never quite been able to understand Owen Gleiberman’s fascination with the film (he also rated it the top movie of 2006). Sure, the opening sequence was pretty cool if you’ve never seen Banlieue 13 or The Bourne Supremacy, but for us, the rest of the film was pure, uncut meh. After all, it couldn’t have been just us who fell asleep during that interminable card game of Uno* that took up the entire third act of the film, right? But we’re getting off track here. What we meant to be discussing all along is the new trailer for JB22, aka Quantum Of Solace, which we have for you after the jump.

Once again, color us unimpressed. James Bond’s gone rogue? Um, as we alluded to before the jump, we’ve already seen that movie. Three times, in fact. Although, we did find it interesting that director Marc Forster (he of Monster’s Ball fame) decided to film a scene that recreates this year’s most controversial Vanity Fair cover shoot, substituting British babebot Gemma Atherton for the despoiled Miley, in a plot twist that seems on the surface to be more Friedberg and Seltzer than Ian Fleming. If test audiences like what they see and demand that Forster insert a few more pop culture spoofs into his film, then maybe this movie will be worth seeing after all. We’ve got our fingers crossed for the “I Can Do 200 Of These” guy.

*We’re pretty sure it wasn’t actually Uno, but like we said, we were asleep.

• Quantum Of Solace [Moviefone]

As we noted last month, the New Village Academy is a private school in Calabasas set to open its doors Sept. 3, founded by Will Smith and wife/appearances-upholder Jada Pinkett Smith. It has become a source of much controversy for having several Scientologists on its staff, who espouse a number of L. Ron Hubbard-advanced learning concepts in the curriculum: among them, the meaninglessly designated “study technology” programme for effective and complete child mind-absorption. The Smiths—still not public with their Scientology affiliations—claim to only be committed to creating “an ideal educational environment.” But Carnegie Mellon University professor David S. Touretzky, who has dissected study technology like a rusty E-meter and found it to be about as useful, warns parents away from this particular learning institution, lest they want to find themselves helping with homework essays entitled, “What I Did on My Billion-Years of Servitude Vacation.” From the LAT:

Touretzky said many phrases and concepts on the school’s website are specific to Scientology. For example, the school lists a “Director of Qualifications” and another teacher who is an assistant in the “Qual” department. The “Qual,” said Touretzky, is where people who have completed a Scientology counseling, or “auditing,” session or a course in the Church of Scientology are tested by a qualifications teacher.

“There is no reputable educator anywhere who endorses [study technology],” said Touretzky, a critic of Scientology. “What happens is that children are inculcated with Scientology jargon and are led to regard L.R. Hubbard as an authority figure. They are laying the groundwork for later bringing people into Scientology.”

Certainly, these fringe educational techniques should give any parent cause for concern—as should the enrollment procedure, which involves the whisking away of potential students “for testing” by a pair navy-blazered school officials. Several weeks later, a letter comes in the mail alerting the anxious parents that not only did their child “pass our rigorous admissions process with flying colors,” but that they could “actually come visit your son or daughter floating in our Subaqueous I.Q.-Infusion Tanks” at mid-semester break.

• Scientology is focus of flap over Will Smith’s new school [LAT]

It’s rare that one feels as though they can make a difference on this Big Blue Marble—even more so when that difference directly affects an internationally beloved movie star who’s fallen upon hard times. And yet there Defamer was, driving a harrowing sequence from last night’s The Two Coreys. At first, we were paralyzed by the “He knows we exist!”-effect that occurs when any lowly Movable Type drone is acknowledged by an eight-times undefeated Tiger Beat Fantasy Boyfriend of the Month. But we soon enough regained rudimentary use of our limbs as we observed Haim being guided by new assistant Nelle to our post about his “I’m ready to work” Variety notice—already considered a masterpiece of the self-perpetuated-comeback trade-ad genre.

The sensitive actor’s face then projected a gamut of emotions as he digested the various observations left by our illustrious, if tact-deficient, commenting community. For every heartening message pledging lifelong devotion, there was an equally callous put-down. It all proved too much for a star whose skin was never thickened by the unforgiving Age of the Internets: Haim stormed onto the deck of his improbably swank home, wondering why his detractors had to “type anything? Why read my article?” Sure, Haim has a little trouble discerning between an “article” and a “self-promotional print advertisement”—but that doesn’t make the moment any less heart-wrenching. Quentin—just watch that unsolicited VHS audition he submitted for Inglorious Bastards already, so we can all put the rough years and tears behind us, and finally toast to Corey’s too-long-overdue return.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]
• Previously: Corey Haim Is Back, Ready To Make Amends, And Still Has Enough Money To Pay For An Ad In ‘Variety’ Begging For Work [Defamer]