Burned once by the infamous Class of 2000, upon whom they bestowed their Vanity Fair ® Fresh Faces™ Seal of Approval—only to see each and every cover subject’s careers offed in increasingly elaborate, Final Destination-esque death sequences—the celebrity-fellating periodical of record is taking no chances with its current “Hollywood’s New Wave” issue: Virtually every actor below the age of 18 to earn so much as a single line of dialogue on an episode of iCarly has been profiled in their Bright Young Hollywood portfolio, each posing seductively in their very own Annie Leibovitz “just fucked” portrait. Among the inductees is Superbad star Christopher Mintz-Plasse. We shit you not: McLovin gets to answer his own Pimply Proust Questionnaire:

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE Age: 19. Hometown: West Hills, California. Breakthrough role: “McLovin” in Superbad. Upcoming film: Little Big Man. First “Hollywood” moment? “Well, I’m a Jessica Alba fan, so the first time I met her kind of blew my mind because she was a huge fan of me. I was like, ‘Really?’ ”

Number of shoes in your closet? “Three. My basketball shoes and then my two pair of Vans that I wear. That’s all I wear, really. I slip on Vans. I’m lazy.” Favorite accessory? “I always have got my iPod on me. It’s safety, so when people are yelling ‘McLovin’ at you, you can’t hear them.” BlackBerry or iPhone? Verizon Chocolate. What’s on your iPod? “Sublime, Incubus, Chili Peppers, Muse, the Killers, Parliament-Funkadelic, Led Zeppelin, the Doors. God, I could keep going.” Xbox, Wii, or PlayStation? Xbox 360. Madden or Halo? Call of Duty. Last book you read? “You’re going to hate me for this, but I have not read a book in many years. I have just been reading scripts nonstop.”

We’re going to ignore the scripts-over-books-reading comment, mainly cause 98% of L.A.-based actors are guilty of the same thing, and at least he had the McBalls to admit it. Instead we’ll focus on what is likely going to be the saddest thing we’ll hear this week. (And this comes after witnessing Corey Haim squelching down Defamer-induced sobs.) We refer, of course, to his admission, “I always have got my iPod on me. It’s safety, so when people are yelling ‘McLovin’ at you, you can’t hear them.” Why! Oh why, do we build up our adolescent-teen-sex-comedy supporting-dweebs only to tear them back down again? Do you hear us, Grease’s Eugene, Meatballs’s Spaz, American Pie’s The Sherminator, and the entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds? You can’t shut us out, no matter how loudly the volume is turned on your personal stereos. We’re calling you by your actual names.

Pictured, Hollywood New Wave member Christopher Mintz-Plasse and several fresh-faced starlets, hanging from a high tree limb like some lost simian tribe of crisp-whites-wearing future superstars.

• Bright Young Hollywood [Vanity Fair]

A new book claiming to unveil “fun, fascinating facts” about celebrities and their drug habits may just be a collection of ancient quotes and anecdotes. As the NY Post reports today, The Curious World Of Drugs And Their Friends promises sordid tales involving Lindsay Lohan and details from her substance-fueled evenings before cokepants and trees put them on the back burner, but the story they cite from a “friend” sounds eerily familiar to one of our favorite classic Lohanisms from over a year ago. And the celebrities quoted as being “unable to talk to anyone without a nose full of cocaine,” and having “spent the first 35 years of my life in a fog” due to drugs have either kicked their habits long ago or already (endlessly) confirmed to the world that they were once big league nose candy fans. The stars “featured,” and exactly how dusty these quips are, after the jump.

The story involving Lohan is hardly new, and appears to be taken directly from last year’s suspect News Of The World feature in which one of Lohan’s cohorts turned over a tape allegedly showing Lohan snorting lines at Teddy’s. The item, accompanied by grainy stills from the tape which have yet to convince us Lindsay’s the girl peer pressuring everyone around her into joint key bumps, did provide a classic Lindsay quote: “I’m going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law!” Funny. And sad, because of just how funny that objective would be today. As for the other excerpts, Johnny Depp is the actor who said he’d spent most of his life in a fog, but his comments on cocaine and all the “teeth-grinding” that came with it were made in retrospect during a 2001 interview with The Guardian. The star who relied on the drug socially? Shockingly (!), Elton John. Who provided the book’s quote to the LAT back in 1992. And guess what? Robin Williams, believe it or not, was once fond of the same drug! Too bad that news is so old Williams was still using the memory of it to plug movies to People in 1988.

The book’s authors also promise revelations from the secretly drug-filled lives of Whitney Houston, Courtney Love, Amy Winehouse, and George Michael. But rather than sit around in heated anticipation of the day you can waste $28.95 on the hardcover, we’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes:
Whitney Houston: “Crack is whack.”
Amy Winehouse: “They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no.”
George Michael: “Why can’t I set my monkey free?”
Courtney Love: “im sur ei am quite Nuerotic.”
[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• DOPE STYLES OF THE BOLD-FACES [NYP]

“On Sunday, June 29,” the web-blurb legend goes, “Shootout aired a ‘Best of’ episode on Summer Blockbusters. Guests Jon Favreau, Michael Bay, and Brett Ratner shared their experiences working on major summer spectaculars.” And so it was written, and so it should come to pass, that through the magic of repackaging, three of Hollywood’s most venerated fauxteurs should share reminiscences and insights with Variety’s Peter Bart and Peter Guber. Highlighted above, an exchange with Transformers director and unwitting spondylitis spokesperson, Michael Bay: Acknowledging Bart’s observation that he was born into box-office brothels, Bay goes on to pay loving tribute to shlock-piloting cicerones Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. (Note their imposing, circa-Days of Thunder publicity-shot in high-contrast B&W.) Without them, not a single extraneous helicopter explosion or lingering shot of Megan Fox’s ass-crack would ever have been possible.

• Shootout [AMC]

The series of events that led up to the arrest of Anne Hathaway’s con-ex Raffaello Follieri by the FBI has the NY Daily News wondering—as voiced by an unidentified, freeform-hypothesizing “pal”—if perhaps the Get Smart star had colluded with the Feds in exchange for a “get out of jail while we book your crooked boyfriend for scamming God out of his savings“-card. They report:

A pal of jailed wheeler-dealer Raffaello Follieri suspects the starlet spoke with the FBI shortly before they arrested her ex for an alleged $6 million con job.

“It makes sense,” the friend said. “She’s referred to as his former girlfriend in the indictment even though her spokesman never confirmed they broke up.”

“I think that in return for her cooperation, the feds held off on arresting Follieri until she was out of the country,” the friend said.

It’s a plausible theory, and one lent all the more credence when you consider that Follieri’s single post-incarceration phone call went directly through to Hathaway’s voice mail, where he was informed by a robotic Verizon operator, “The user you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. If you are Steve Carell, press one and she’ll get back to you in a few, cutiepie. If you are her PR-poison ex-boyfriend, please hang up and do not try your call again.”

• Hathaway ratted ex to FBI: pal [NY Daily News]